I want to honour a food that I’ve grown to loath. It’s the perfect fodder
for aid workers toiling in war torn areas, such as this one. Arriving in its
own bulletproof vest, know commonly as a tin. It has tried to make its mark
on the culinary landscape of many a project.
In fact there is only one thing holding this great food back from global
domination, at least when it comes to feeding those who have little option.
It is practically inedible. I refer to chicken luncheon meat.
Even the name is misleading. Luncheon is the term that, the queen and
well-to-do pearl encrusted Daily Mail readers use to describe the meal in
the middle of the day.
This food would not exactly be on the menu at Buckingham palace. It would
struggle to get a look in at the workhouse in Oliver Twist. Certainly if it
was, Dickens great masterpiece would have taken a very different direction.
Young Oliver, carted off, lethargic, green and vomiting, to hospital after
managing to finish a portion of the offending item. ‘Please sir, can I have
a stomach pump?’
Created by Regal of Mauritius it is 260g of pure bile. It arrives in a
cylindrical tin an inch tall and two inches in diameter. If I had my way it
would go straight from factory to landfill without ever being offered for
human consumption.
The picture on the front of the tin displays what appears to be a large,
pinky-orange, sliced sausage surrounded by, rather tired, looking lettuce
and tomatoes. It even has the audacity to site this as a ‘serving suggestion
’. What exactly are the manufactures suggesting? Remove from tin, cut into
bits and put with fresh food in an effort to make it look appealing, not
exactly Jamie-flippin’-Oliver is it?
The ingredients listed, thankfully, include chicken meat, which I must say
came as a bit of a shock. Red rice and phosphate E451 are present which I
would feel happier about, if I knew what they were. Finally, in this
concoction, is the sinister sounding MSG E21, which sounds like the sort of
thing used to kill off dissident Russians.
I made the mistake of bringing a tin to outreach with me. By the end of the
week we were running a little short of grub and I decided to try an
incorporate it into a lunch (eon). I felt this was particularly important,
as I had just had a bit of a go at the clinics pharmacist for letting a few
boxes of drugs expire and the luncheon meat was a month of expiry.
I broke the tin open with a rusty opener and dug in with a spoon in the way
a normal person might eat yoghurt. I could just about see the rings of the
base of the tin when I began to feel very sick. Even as a student I was
never driven to try cat food, however chicken luncheon meat is as near as I
ever want to get. I fed the rest of the tin to an emaciated passing dog, who
didn’t finish it.
The fact that a poor animal has had to sacrifice its life in the creation of
this product makes even this carnivorous bloke come over all Linda
McCartney. I’m sitting with a tin in front of me as I type this; (funnily
enough we have stacks of the stuff in the store!) and I’ve just noticed one
slightly redeeming feature. The product claims to be Halaal, meaning that a
huge portion of the world’s population is able to see exactly what I’m
talking about for themselves, multi faith excrement indeed.
So here's to you Regal, creators of a food that even people who are really
hungry would rather chew on broken glass than eat. Chicken luncheon meat I
salute you!
